Discontent

11 Jun

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I’m so tired of this feeling inside. I am tired of being controlled by it.  I certainly hope I am not alone in this.

Want to know what my biggest vice is?

I’m never content.

Take my family for instance… They are awesome and I want to make that clear. This is an internal battle I have, and I think (?) others might too.  When they are home and all is well with the world, I can’t seem to force myself to sit down with them. I feel the need to go, go, go and do, do, do.  But when they leave, I can’t get motivated to do much of anything (and the ironic part is that there’s really a lot of opportunity to do the things that still need to be done and I’ve got nothing but time).

Yet either way, I am never content. Don’t confuse that with happy, when they are around, happy I am. Blessed beyond measure, I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

And my wife? She and I are definitely one flesh. She completes me, but when she’s gone I feel like a part of me is missing. In the past before I had Christ, I almost lost her because of my own sin. Almost lost my kids and definitely lost my way in life for a short time.

Now coming up on 13 years of walking with Jesus since that dark time, sometimes I’m still not content.

I have moved around quite a bit for most of my life. I moved a few times when I was a child, and then as an adult we have moved quite a few times too mainly due to my job. And now the older I get, the more discontent I find I am. It’s like a 3 year stint and I find myself asking what’s next, where’s the next adventure going to be? I am coming up on retirement and a new career choice in 5 short years; I surely can’t expect to be moving every three years in a new career? I honestly have no idea yet how I will come to grips with stability to live in one place for a time.

In regard to my wife, she is so awesome. She is a gift from God. But at times I think I am not content, which certainly isn’t of God. My flesh screams in horror to me that I want a version of her that doesn’t exist. I want her to be something she isn’t at time along with what she already is. I want a female version of me.  It’s sickening to me even as I sit here and type it, knowing this is true.  It’s toughest when she isn’t around. This worldly, fleshly desire attempts to manifest itself from the pit of hell and I literally rebuke my thoughts in Jesus name.

I am a man in need of more Jesus for sure.

It comes back to contentedness. I hate this voice that says I need to be something I am not. That my life needs to be different for me to be completely fulfilled. The truth is and this I know, my life is amazing. My wife is exactly what I need. My kids are world changers. God has and will continue to use me in awesome ways if I allow Him too. He has renewed my mind.

So what would you say to the discontent soul? Help a brother out here, I just want out of this cage.

-Brandon Pachey
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Brandon Pachey is the husband of an amazing wife and father of three awesome kids, hoping to adopt for the first time soon. He has lived all over the United States in six different states and Germany. He has worked in Youth Ministry as a volunteer for 13 years (3 as a full time volunteer youth pastor) and done ministry in Germany with military students and US Military Men’s Ministry. He looks periodically at the funny things the church does and faith in day to day life on For the Love of God Too. He also has a passion for off-roading as a family sport.

photo credit: image munky via photopin cc

2 Responses to “Discontent”

  1. Brad Andres June 11, 2013 at 19:06 #

    You’re not alone. Lots of us fight discontent. I know I do as well. America has almost trained its people to be discontent. New car every two years, new phone every two years, etc.
    Nonetheless, God strip away our excuses. Give us more of Jesus. Help us to learn to be full and content.

  2. For the Love of God June 11, 2013 at 22:07 #

    Pretty transparent right there!

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