Selfishness Will Ruin Your Marriage

20 Feb

Early in my marriage I was extremely selfish. My focus was only about me, sex and what my wife can do for me.

That attitude almost wrecked me and my marriage.

large_2627694611I would say and think things like, “my wife does not do this enough or that enough” or “my wife refuses to fulfill me in this area of our marriage or that area.” I sounded like a stupid, immature 20-something.

I would spend countless hours worrying and focusing on HER flaws as I was perfect, of course. I would go to bed angry and threaten out of spite if I didn’t get my way.

This is NOT ok nor is it biblical.

Instead of building my wife up, I was tearing her down. Instead of serving her, I was enamored with ME. Instead of sacrificing self, as Jesus did for me, my thought process was anti-Jesus.

To be blunt, my wife should have left my sorry butt in the street. But she did not.

What Changed

I met an older, wiser mentor. He challenged me. He challenged me hard.

He told one thing I will never forget: take care of your wife or some other man or material possession will.

I was so selfish that I was ignoring my wife’s needs. She needed to be affirmed. She needed to be encouraged as an at-home mom. She needed to be loved by me listening not trying to fix everything.

I was SO immature early on in our marriage. I needed a lot of good-ole fashioned wise counsel, a lot of grace and most importantly an attitude of surrender. If I was going to change me, I could not go it alone.

I prayed and surrendered many things over time to The Lord. He revealed many sharp and rough edges that I needed to smooth out. It was very, very difficult. It was also totally worth it.

Here Is What I Learned

1. Get Emotionally Healthy

Most people are very immature emotionally. Myself included in this. Most people have never address hurts and wounds from their past. They suffer from sin and strife from previous generations that influence how they handle conflict, stress and life. Most people spend their lives as emotional teens rather than graduating into an emotional state that gives them freedom. Read the awesome book ‘The Emotionally Healthy Church‘ by Peter Scazzero. It will rock your world.

2. Give.

When it’s late at night and your wife wants to talk, shut the stupid tv off and look her in the eyes and listen. Put down your work and iphone in order to study and learn about your spouse. Step up and set aside some date time for you and your spouse to connect. Do things for her that she will love. Get her car cleaned, buy her a gift card to her favorite store, write her a love note and send it to her. Give. Serve.

3. Do Not Expect Sex.

If your motivation is sex or getting something in return then you have bigger issues. If you are expecting something in return every time you do something nice for your spouse then you are seeking self-satisfaction and not Christ. Give. All the time, give. Life is NOT about you. It is about sacrificing self in 100% of everything. Get over yourself or you will live a miserable existence.

4. Stop Complaining.

My grandma always said “if ya can’t say nothin’ good, don’t say nothin’ at all.” She is right. Disclaimer: this is NOT the same as stuffing or passive-aggressive behavior. If you have conflict in your life or marriage you NEED to talk about it. Talking through things is not complaining. But check your heart and look in the mirror. Are you building up your spouse or complaining about them? Are you complaining to others about your spouse or worse yet, in public? Are you owning your faults and sins or complaining and pointing out the faults and sins of your better half?

I wish I would have written this blog piece and sent to myself 15 years ago. It could have saved me a lot of pain…and hair loss.

What are you doing in your life and marriage to grow? How are you serving your spouse? Have you taken a personal inventory and looked in the mirror lately or are you quick to point out fault in others first?

Dave Scott is a broken Christ-follower, blogger and entrepreneur. David spent 15 years in corporate America, with organizations like Circuit City, California Closets and Verizon Corp. David has also been involved in start-up’s, where he’s led sales and marketing.  He blogs at

Dave Scott

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