Archive | June, 2014

Do Not Just Date Your Wife.

27 Jun

I’m reading a book right now called ‘Date Your Wife.’ It is one of those books that I would not normally be interested in, based on the title. However, I picked it up and gave it a read.

I would not recommend it and I will tell you why later. But the first chapter spurred some good points for a blog post.

People Are Selfish And Do Not Truly Care

It is absolutely true. It is sad, but it is true. Do not get me wrong, people and humans have a propensity to be emotionally driven and CAN show care and love. But often times, it is just an emotional period of care, not a consistent and caring spirit. Humans are typically drawn to their nature, which is self, not others. date-night-movie

For example, I have a good friend who is very involved in cancer research. She is a warrior, serving and loving those who have cancer. She does cancer walks, events, raises truck loads of money and works like a maniac for those inflicted with cancer and those who are cancer survivors.

But she ignores her husband. She would rather serve others with cancer, rather than learning to serve the most important relationship God has ever given her; her husband.

Another example, a friend of mine was so incredibly driven by his work and studies that he ignored his wife, only to find her leave for another man. He is a millionaire, young and handsome. He is driven like Steve Jobs combined with Andrew Carnegie’s business smarts. He spends 70-80 hours per week on his company and in his community with business-related functions. He is amazingly blessed in business and successful, according to the standards of Wall Street. Yet his wife is lonely and bitter. She did not marry an entrepreneur. Sadly, he is not available to serve his wife and kids.

A very wise mentor once told me that, as humans, we are capable of anything at any time, because we are fallen beings. He is correct. We are selfish creatures and often do not care.

It Is Easy To Become Bitter When People Do Not Care

When men, more specifically husbands, come across a situation where their wives do not show respect/love to them, husbands/men often pout, give up and act like spoiled kids.

I’ve fallen into this trap. The trap of bitterness, anger and resentment.

Let this be a warning to men: there are severe consequences living in this stage of life. Do not fall into this trap. Continue to fight!

When our focus as individuals is on self, we tend to see everyone else in the mirror, rather than ourselves. We judge others, blame others, become consumed with despair and generally are miserable.

When our focus is on self, rather than others-first, we run to everything and anything that produces happiness for us. For some, that happiness might be materials possessions like new cars, a sweet house with a pool, new furniture, high-paying job, alcohol, money, illicit drugs and pornography.

When we focus solely on self, we crave these things and when we do not get them, we can become bitter and angry. The brain and heart tend to think that God does not care and we can become hard and bitter.

Focus On Being A Vessel

When our focus, as men, is on ourselves and what we DO NOT have, our only mission in life is to obtain what we cannot. Instead of being grateful and thankful for what we have been given, i.e., wife, house, car (that actually runs), we seek more material stuff, more self and give less to others. 200441388-001

God calls men to be vessels. A vessel is like a ship, carrying precious cargo. A vessel is a bowl or spoon that transfers water or food to the human body. A vessel is a tube or duct, as an artery or vein, conveying blood or some other body fluid to the organs that need it to survive. A vessel is necessary to sustain life.

As part of this vessel, God requires that men serve their wives and others, unconditionally. As men, we are called to “give, carry and convey” to others and our wives. We are commanded to be vessels.

Do Not Date Your Wife

God does not want men to date their wives. To JUST date your wife, implies that you are in your marriage relationship JUST to go on dates, run around, spending money like a buffoon, while taking your wife on crazy, expensive dates. That is not caring or loving.

Here are some examples of when a “date” does not make sense.

  • How do you date your wife when you loose a child? How does a husband serve his wife then?
  • How does a man date his wife, when you lose your job?
  • How do you love your spouse when she is unfaithful? A date perhaps? Of course not.
  • How do you date your wife when your son/daughter starts down a path of holy-terrifying, life decisions?
  • What happens when your wife’s father dies? The type of father who was a bronze statue, who held the family together and who leaves HUGE legacy-sized shoes to fill? A date? I think not.

What Is The Bottom Line

In the book, Stepping Up’ by Dennis Rainey, he talks about a time where one of their grandchildren died shortly after birth. As I read this chapter in the book, I wept uncontrollably. It was incredibly sad.

The part that touched my heart, as a husband and a man, was how Dennis and the father-in-law of his daughter, stepped-up to action.

They served.

They went and got clothes from their kids’s homes, they arranged meals and picked up other kids. They helped with schedules and held their own wives, the grandmothers, during this sad, sad time. They prayed and held their little grandchild, before death and led praise and worship to Jesus.

This is dating your wife, men. Are you doing this? Are you on your knees daily, asking God to heal you and give you wisdom to serve like this? Do not JUST date your wife. Do more, give your best. Husband-Wife-Love-Marriage-500

Do not buy the book ‘Date Your Wife.’ I did not find it incredibly helpful. Instead get a copy of ‘The Emotionally Healthy Church’ or ‘Stepping Up’ and start the journey to becoming a vessel for God and begin the adventure of serving your wife.

Lastly, leave a comment below tell me what experiences you have with the above. Leave a comment and tell me what you’re doing to serve your wife, sacrifice self and not JUST date your wife.

Written by Dave Scott.  For more of his work, go to http://www.davecscott.com.

A Simple Guide to a Woman’s Emotions

25 Jun

A reader recently asked for a Simple Guide to a woman’s emotions.  After 13 years of marriage, I do not consider myself an expert in any way, but it did get me thinking…

File:Serious woman.jpgWhen she is tired… she wants loved.

When she is angry…she wants loved.

When she gets that look on her face… she wants loved.

When she is scared… she wants loved.

When she is anxious… she wants loved.

When she is confused… she wants loved.

When she is sad… she wants loved.

When she is lonely…she wants loved.

When she is frustrated… she wants loved.

When she is bored… she wants loved.

When she is grouchy… she wants loved.

Do I need to go on?

The feeling of being loved melts away so many other emotions.

Sometimes we make women’s emotions seem a lot more difficult than they are.  Women are not alien life forms that we have nothing in common with, but humans with whom we share the same emotional spectrum.  While our emotions can be complex and frequently change, love is the best response.

The real question is, “What should we do in order for our spouse to feel loved?”  This can sometimes be confusing.  Do they want to talk, or would they prefer silence?  Do they want to be touched, or left alone?  Do they want advice (Which is almost never!), or do they want someone to listen?  Ask yourself, what is the most loving thing that I can do right now?

Finding the answer to this question takes knowing your partner, and listening to them.  We need to do not what we would want done to us in that situation, but what we feel they would enjoy.

Do not be a student of a woman’s emotions (if possible), but an expert on how to respond to her emotions.    

 

Dr. G. David Boyd is a life-long student of Rachel Boyd.  He currently is failing, but hopes to pull up his grades in the near future.  He is also the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit committed to helping Emerging adults and their parents.

Using the Four-letter Word in Marriage

19 Jun

Gagged manI don’t know about you, but sometimes I have used a four-letter word in our home. When it gets said, it brings tears.  When it gets blurted out, it brings anger.  A word that while may be well-intended, does not bring positive results.  That four-letter word is… fine.

“How was dinner?”  “How do I look?”  “How do you like my hair?”  “How do you feel?”

In each situation, that little word can get me into some hot water.

I sometimes argue with her that it should be an acceptable response, but I have lost each time.  Mostly because my thesaurus defines fine as, “reasonable, okay, satisfactory, acceptable, and sufficient.”   I am not sure any woman really wants her appearance to be “adequate,” or for her hair cut to be called, “sufficient.”

If you are like me, you have a few go-to expressions, but it is important to have a few new ones, as sometimes our go-to’s lose their affect.  In an effort to bolster my vocabulary, and to help others who are addicted to this four-letter world, I did a search on some replacement words.  I hope this list will save you and her some unnecessary pain.

Alternatives to the word Fine

Good (with emphasis – as in You look goooood.), Hot, Smokin’, Pretty, Mighty fine (emphasis on might), beautiful, gorgeous, delightful, stellar,   jaw-dropping, attractive, cute, good-looking, lovely, stunning, charming, wonderful, magnificent, unbelievable, eye-catching, Immaculate, and priceless.

Hopefully there are a few on the list, that catches your eye, and sticks in your brain.  Be prepared for the question for the answer is important to her.

Proverbs 5:18-20

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

May you take time to enjoy the beauty of your wife, and give her the response she deserves.

What Lurks in the Heart of Man? Thoughts from Andy Stanley

18 Jun

Andy Stanley is the pastor at North Point Community Church, and is one of the best communicators in the church today (in my opinion).  Here is an article that talks about four things that lurk in the heart of men.

Guilt says, “I owe you.”

Anger says, “You owe me.”

Greed says, “I owe me.”

Jealousy says, “God owes me.”

These expressions alone caused me to examine my heart, and wrestle with my thoughts and assumptions.  I hope that it will cause you to do the same.  While reflecting, here are four expressions that lead to healthier living…

Grace says, “I forgive you.”

Courage says, “You support me.”

Humility says, “I know me.”

Confidence says, “God loves me.”

What a difference!

 

Signs of the Presence of God

11 Jun

Wallpapers for Desktop Free Download Little Yellow Bird WallpaperThis morning while eating breakfast and wrestling with life’s issues, a bird landed on a tree branch outside our kitchen window. It was a pretty yellow bird with gray and white stripes. I am not sure if it was the bird’s movement or chirping that got my attention, but in that moment I felt like it was God trying to say that He was near.

Now, I don’t normally think that God sends birds to chirp at me outside my window.  We have birds regularly outside although most of them are grey sparrows or black birds.  This appearance was unusual.

So I began to wonder if this was a sign that God wanted me to know that He was still with me.

Immediately, I shock it off, and said that it wasn’t God. God doesn’t do that. If God wanted to say He was there then I would need more than a little bird. If God wanted to say that to me then a red bird would also come.

I took another bite of my egg sandwich, and reflected on my second demand of a sign of God’s presence. I looked back at my yellow friend still chirping in the tree and my eye caught something that I am sure had been there but I hadn’t noticed before.

In front of my neighbors’ house, hung a banner of a red bird. From my current sightline, the red bird was just inches away from the yellow bird.

I took another bite of egg reflecting on this red bird that had now appeared beside the yellow one.  My mind while spinning, was yet unconvinced.  It wasn’t a real bird.  It really wasn’t right next to the other bird. It really wasn’t the bird that I demanded.

While I wrestled with what this red bird meant, the yellow bird flew away. So did my thoughts about God’s presence. It was just a bird – a bird on a banner, and nothing more.

I finished my sandwich and glass of orange juice. I headed out the door ready to begin the rest of the day, leaving thoughts of God’s signs far behind me.

As I reached my car, a noise caught my attention. It was loud. It was clear and impossible to ignore. Yes, it was a bird, but not just any bird – a bright red cardinal. The cardinal sat there singing, and I felt my defenses rise once again and thought to myself, “Well, how can I excuse this?”

In Judges 6, Gideon asked for a sign of God’s presence. He already had knowledge of God’s presence, but he wanted a sign. One wasn’t enough for Gideon either.  He wanted more.  After the cardinal, would I finally accept proof of His presence?

As I reflect on my morning, I began to realize that the reason I doubt God’s presence is because I am not really interested in God’s presence.  I am often only interested in God bringing change.  I want God to change my finances, my health, my pain, my suffering, or the suffering of others around me.  I only believe God is present, when He brings change.  However, this belief is short-sighted, and theologically wrong.

I don’t want proof of His presence on this journey. I want Him to change the journey.

Whether or not you believe in God providing signs, believe this.  God’s presence doesn’t always bring change.  In the same way, change doesn’t always mean God’s presence.  As Christians, we should not be seeking change, but the presence of the One who is able to change.

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources.  He loves summers in his current state of Minnesota, but is always dreading the next winter.

7 Secrets to Keeping Your Marriage Hot

5 Jun

Wedding coupleKeeping your marriage hot is not about an Arizona get-a-way in August.  It is not about both partners being in pristine shape, and living at the gym.  It is not about sitting side by side tanning in the sun, and yet in totally different worlds.

I am personally in the kid-raising phase.  We have three boys – 10,9, and almost 3.  Our house is always loud.  Our house is covered with toys.  Our house is filled with energy.  By 7 pm each night, we start looking at each other and wished that it was time for them to go to bed.

In the midst of this chaos, my wife and I have to be intentional to connect with each other.

It is about connection and intimacy.  Something that doesn’t happen by accident, but takes work.  Here is another great article by J. Lee Grady that talks about what it takes to keep a marriage “HOT” in any phase of life.  J. Lee Grady is the former editor of Charisma. You can follow him on Twitter at@leegrady. He is the author of Fearless Daughters of the Bible and other books.

Are you Impossible to buy for? (Four types of Men)

3 Jun

We all know men who are impossible to buy for.  No matter if you shop early, shop late, or shop around the clock, you will never find anything to please them.  I believe there are four types of men who fit this description.  Continue reading

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