Tag Archives: Dating

Premature Intimacy

9 Feb

 

wedding-1

Copyright by Aaron Roberts Photography 2016

 

I believe in purity. I believe in purity rings. I believe in setting physical boundaries in relationships in order to keep from hurting ourselves and others. This is something that is often taught, lectured, and discussed in Christian circles. However, I think we are missing something. Something BIG.

Physical intimacy is something to be shared only within the boundaries of marriage. God created a special connection called marriage for a man and a woman to enjoy sex and physical intimacy.

However, after years of working with students, I have discovered that there are many students who while keeping their bodies pure, have crossed over boundaries in other areas that I believe should be reserved for God’s design of marriage.

Is physical intimacy the only intimacy a man and woman can experience? As humans, we know that there are several types of intimacy that two humans can enjoy including emotional, spiritual, and physical. I believe that God desires to keep us pure until marriage in every aspect of our lives. I believe that intimacy in all areas should be reserved for marriage.

(While I am not usually into dissecting human relationships into different aspects, please be patient as you will quickly see my point without a drawn-out explanation of each area, or a need for distinct lines. I usually run from books that dissect relationships into a new way just to sell books. However, because of the Purity Movement, and its focus on the physical intimacy of teens, I felt this needed to be written.)

There should be boundaries in various areas of our lives that keep Christians from becoming intimate too quickly. Christians should be careful so that they do not cross the line of “two becoming one” before they enter into marriage.

For example, many young adults are surprised to hear that I do not encourage them to share their devotional lives. I do believe that guys and girls can and should pray together, but regular times of deep prayer/ bible study as a couple can cause premature spiritual intimacy. Your spiritual health becomes dependent on the other person, and so when the relationship is broken, you are left to pick up the pieces of your walk with Christ. Students should regularly talk about their spiritual lives, but boundaries should exist.

This is also true when it comes to emotional intimacy. Both guys and girls bear their entire hearts in a relationship, and then feel emotionally vulnerable after the relationship is over. No wonder they feel uncomfortable after the break-up and can no longer be friends. A boundary has been crossed.

I have worked with too many guys and girls who have not kept boundaries in their lives, and so with each broken relationship they wound their heart. These wounds turn into scars, and scars lead to calluses. A calloused heart can hurt a marriage even before it begins, so let’s guard ourselves from premature intimacy.

I am not saying that dating or relationships are evil. I simply want students to retain intimacy for the day that they walk down the aisle.

What are your thoughts and experiences? What do you think are some good boundaries to put up in a dating relationship?

Other Posts on Love and Dating:

David - Prof 2Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources.

 

 

Navigating the Friend Zone by Stephen Simpson

24 Nov

Let’s just be friends

A sexlove_friendzoneman looking for love dreads no four words in the English language more. The thing that drives me crazy is that a lot of people don’t understand why. Continue reading

Pursue Her

19 Nov

  Here is a funny video about Pursing a Relationship with a woman in a healthy way!

Pursue her - video

Click Here!

Why Won’t Christian Men Date Women Who Go To Their Church?

10 Mar

ChurchHere is an article that I came across over the weekend.

As someone who has worked within the church among teenagers and emerging adults, I have seen how dating can change the social climate of a group.

Here are some reasons why the men interviewed would not date women at their church.

Reason #1: They’re worried about their reputations.

I have seen men get ridiculed for not asking out any girls, only to be later scorned for asking out too many.

Reason #2: Rather than giving them more options, dating girls at church actually gives them fewer options.

Reason #3: It complicates things.

Due to the small size of many emerging adult communities at churches, a relationship often means the destruction of a social group.  If a man enjoys his church home, he may not wish to jeopardize this community by dating.

Reason #4: There are so many better ways to meet women.

Dating website have clearly changed the way that single Christians meet and date.

Reason #5: It feels inappropriate.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Here is the full article Christy Krumm.

Why Don’t the Guys in my Church Ask Women on Dates? – Response to Relevant Magazine

22 Feb

I saw the article with this title, and wanted to share it with my readers.

Here are a few of my favorite lines…

I kissed dating goodbye but forgot about procreation and God’s design for relationships.

STOP! For the love of Joshua Harris, just please stop.

Although I might challenge a few things, for instance, when you promise that the women will start a casual dating journey with them.  (I am pretty sure that Joshua Harris impacted both Christian men and women.)  I am also not a fan of the closing words, You’re a Grown Man, because I don’t think that men should be shamed or stripped of manhood because they are not confident around women.  The ability to face rejection without it destroying your concept of self is wrapped up with maturity and personal autonomy.

Overall, great article – Keep writing Eddie.  Let’s do coffee sometime.  I saw you live in Orlando, so being from Minnesota, please allow me to come to you.

Now let’s open a new discussion.

Relevant Magazine,

I want to say this up front.  I think that you are GREAT.  I love the work you do.  I love the content that you are producing.  I am thankful for the discussions that you initiate.  In fact, I am so impressed that if you were a girl, I would ask you out on a date.

So, I say this to encourage you, and to help you excel in your already great work.

In the same spirit, of trying to remove the pressures upon men who want to ask out a girl, can we please address the picture chosen to promote the article?

Images often say more than words.  Images sell products.  Images cause people to pick up a magazine, buy a car, or in this case – read an on-line article.

Here are a few of my thoughts, taken from the picture alone…  Just in case anyone missed it, here it is again.  

After looking at this image, what does it say to men who are contemplating asking a girl out on a casual date?

Here is what it says to them.

1.  I don’t fit the mold.

Guys lack confidence because they don’t fit the image.  I am not trendy.  I don’t peg my pants (Wow, anyone else surprised that style has returned?)  I don’t have a cool beard and curly locks of hair.  I can’t play the guitar, or whatever that instrument is, and I certainly can’t sing.  Of course, girls would go out with him.  But with me?  Our use of nice images that makes us appear relevant, can also set standards which are unrealistic.

2.  She doesn’t fit the mold.

Guys are still looking for the girl in the picture.  While looking at their female friends at church, some men are thinking, “She is cute, but I was thinking…”  This destructive pattern of thinking is rampant due to pornography and other forms of media.  The pressures upon men and women to conform to size, weight, style, and beauty standards for dating is exhausting.  We know that these standards are often not stated through written words, but through images.

3.  I can’t reproduce that.

If we want to encourage casual dating, the image is appropriate.  I am not sure where the couple is sitting, but it reminds me of the Dead Marshes (from Lord of the Rings) during dry season.  How about a picture of a couple sitting in a coffee shop?  Life’s most romantic moments for me have not been from setting a stage with a blanket, a bowl of fruit, a musical instrument, and a rope? (I am not sure what the rope is about.)  Sadly in today’s world, loving relationships have replaced stability and commitment with flash and romance.

Maybe not much thought was put into the image.  I am sure that your staff is overworked, and have a billion things to do.

Or maybe I got it all wrong…  I have been wrong before.

Regardless, as Christians, we should rethink what stock photos and stereotypical images are doing to the world of dating.  We know we are being duped daily by Hollywood, but unfortunately this is happening by all sources of media.

Unfortunately, the image speaks against what the article hopes to do – which is to encourage dating that is casual, and Christ-centered.

 

Christmas 2012Dr. G. David Boyd is the Managing Director for EA Resources,a non-profit designed to provide resources for emerging adults and their parents.  He is thankful for his wife Rachel of thirteen years (Look Left for a REAL PICTURE.) who said yes when he casually asked her out.  He is also thankful for his brother and sister-in-laws who regularly asked him to come over for dinner and board games even before they were dating.

Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed

9 Sep

Lonely Woman on a Bench - Why Courtship is Fundamentally FlawedI find it amusing whenever a person starts talking about the “Right” or “Biblical” way to find a mate.  If you look through the pages of the Bible,several methods of getting a mate might get you in trouble these days.   Continue reading

8 Women Christian Men should NEVER marry.

20 May

Man and woman marriageI wanted to pass this article alone to the single men within our community.  You will never find a perfect spouse, but there are some characteristics that you will want to do without.  Here is a great list!

http://www.charismamag.com/blogs/fire-in-my-bones/19821-8-women-christian-men-should-never-marry

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